Tears Flowing Down my Cheeks
As I go to sleep at the end of a long day as a freshman in college, tears begin flowing down my cheeks. I’m trying to hide my heart wrenching tears so that my roommate doesn’t hear me.
I was embarrassed at the thought of talking to my college mentor about being overwhelmed with my classes. Thoughts of being a failure flashed through my mind.
“I can’t be a failure, I was the class valedictorian in my senior year of high school.”
While a senior in high school, I prayed to God asking Him for guidance in selecting a college major. My sister had just been prescribed eyeglasses and that is when I thought that God wanted me to be an Optometrist. Prior to starting my college search, I visited an optometrist’s office near my hometown in order to get a glimpse of what an Optometrist does in a day’s work. My college search began.
I looked at three colleges with my parents. The first college that they drove me to was at SUNY Oswego because it had a Pre-Optometry Program. The second college that my parents and I visited was Cornell University. Cornell also had a Pre-Optometry Program. The third college we visited was Houghton College and they also had a Pre-Optometry Program.
I applied to all three colleges and was accepted at all three colleges.
“How will I choose which college to go to?”
I didn’t choose SUNY Oswego because I thought that it was going to be a ‘party school’ experience and I was not interested in that. I didn’t choose Cornell University which may be puzzling to some people as it is an Ivy League School, however, I became fearful to attend Cornell because of what the campus tour guide shared with me and my parents.
As the tour guide walked us across a bridge over a ravine on Cornell’s campus, she mentioned that several students over the years had jumped from the bridge and committed suicide. Evidently, overwhelmed and stressed out students wanted to take their own lives rather than quitting college. I became nervous after hearing about student suicides. I did not want to be tempted to commit suicide when the academic pressures commenced.
I chose Houghton College because it was a Christian college. The professors were Christians and the campus was filled with like-minded Christian students. How did I know that? The College Application required that everyone share what their personal relationship with Jesus Christ is. I liked the fact that Chapel Services were required Monday through Friday; 30-45 minutes long. By attending chapel services, my faith in Jesus Christ deepened as I learned more about the Bible and its life applications. I enjoyed listening to the Campus’ Christian Radio Station. The contemporary Christian songs that were broadcast were different from the hymns that I sang in my hometown church. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the hymns very much and have many favorites. However, hearing Bible verses sung with a rock-song beat was pretty cool. Houghton College’s rural setting was a plus for me because that is the same type of environment that I grew up in and I liked it.
Up until I entered college, I would not have thought that I suffered from anxiety.
“What precipitated my anxious thoughts?
“Was this the beginning of my Bipolar Disorder Journey?”
The demand of my academic schedule was too much to keep up with. The pre-optometry path that I chose became a HUGE QUESTION MARK ? for me…. For instance, my college biology class covered everything that I learned in my high school biology class in just one week. I was so overwhelmed when the second week of classes started! I decided to drop Biology. My struggle continued with other courses; Bible Class, Spanish Class, and my English class. I was naive to the demands of college. Just because I was a high school valedictorian didn’t mean much to me in college at this point. I had poor study skills. I would sit at one of the library tables to write my English paper and I just froze. I couldn’t organize my thoughts nor write them down. I often fell asleep while reading my textbooks. I didn’t prioritize enough sleep. I was getting depressed too, although I didn’t know what depression entailed at the time. I didn’t keep in touch with my high school friends. I internalized the anxiety and depression.
“The overwhelming anxiety that I felt that night with tears flowing down my cheeks was the first time that I claimed a Bible verse to help me through my emotions.”
I searched for a verse in my Bible that would help lift my anxiety and that would give me a hope for my future. The verse that I came across was Psalm 30:5.
Psalm 30:5 For his anger is but for a moment, His favor is for a lifetime; Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning. (New American Standard Bible)
I stopped crying and then I was able to sleep the rest of the night.
A shout of JOY came to me the very next morning as I made my way to the college resource center. I chose to go to the resource center to see if optometrists had optometric technicians and they did. That was my next step to explore as I figured that I didn’t have what it took academically to get a 4 year undergraduate degree and then 4 years of optometry school on top of it. I found 2 colleges that offered an optometric technician program; Columbus, Ohio and New York City.
As I opened the mailbox one summer day while back at home, I pulled out an envelope with a Columbus, Ohio return address on it. I quickly tore it opened. It was a letter of acceptance into the Optometric Technician program! I leaped for JOY as I was literally kicking up my heals to the side.
I proceeded to attend the college in Columbus, OH. It wasn’t too long after starting the first semester that I was feeling sad and anxious again. I set up an appointment with the college psychologist to discuss my emotional state. I answered the probing questions about my family and myself. However, I don’t remember anything that came from the counseling sessions. After two years of classes, I graduated Magna Cum Laude with an Associates Degree as an Optometric Technician. Following graduation, I worked in the optometric field for many years and now I am retired.
As I reflect back on the anxiety in my life in my college days, I’m reminded that I’m not ‘doing life’ alone. My strength comes from God through my personal relationship with Jesus Christ.
My goal is to ‘be real’ with you as I share my Bipolar Disorder Journey with you.